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Sunday, July 15, 2012

No More Tears

This weekend has absolutely been the worst God forsaken weekend I have endured in a long time. Yesterday was slightly worse than today. Today I mostly slept and when I wasn't sleeping I was randomly crying or staring at nothing. I'm normally very happy but this weekend....uffda.
But everyone has a point where they break. And I reached it. Working in EMS is not easy. It is one of the hardest jobs I will ever love. It involves time, energy, sacrifice, and sometimes a little bit of your sanity. You might work on someone for 45 minutes doing chest compressions, ventilating them with a bag valve mask, watching the portable monitor praying for a normal rhythm. You can use all of your skills, every drug at your disposal...amiodarone, narcan, sodium bicarb, seemingly endless doses of epi...and you still have to tell someone that they are now a widow. You don't know your patient or their family when you arrive, but when you leave, your heart is broken for them. They are on your mind and your heart for days. You randomly start to cry for seemingly no reason. You can't discuss the details with your loved ones unless you want to have the pants sued off of you. It's hard. Impossible in some moments, and those are the moments where the easiest thing to do is shut your eyes and leave reality for a few moments of restless sleep.
Saturday morning, my eyelids were heavier than cement. They opened and I saw my husband standing over me, and he was crying. I was alarmed and immediately wide awake. Our beloved cat, Calvin, was not passing urine and was in pain and this warranted an emergency trip to the vet. I felt impending doom. I love this cat so much. He has been a resident in this house as long as I have owned it. And that's not an exaggeration. The day that we began moving in after closing the deal, I went to the humane society and picked him and his friend Figaro up. (Figaro left us for heaven on August 4th, 2009) Calvin is always there when I need a kitty friend. He is one of the sweetest, silliest, friendliest cats I have ever known, and the thought of losing him was too much to bare after already having a rough start to the weekend. We took him to the vet and they were able to get the blockage removed and he was doing much better and even eating today. Praise God. Yes, it is going to be quite expensive, but when you have a cat or a dog in your family, they are just as much a member of the family as anyone else. He is expected to come home tomorrow and I know that I will be counting down the minutes to go get him and have him home where he belongs. Joey isn't quite sure what to do without the alpha cat here to keep him in line.
In knitting news....there really isn't any at this time. I just haven't been up to it and that should scream volumes about my level of sadness over Calvin. I guess my depression was a little bit intensified when I picked up my wool of the andes sweater to knit a few rows on the button band to find that a hershey's cookies and cream drop had melted on it and resulted in the bottom lip quivering again. What is happening to me? I can only hope that this week will only bring better things. I know cuddling with my favorite gray and white feline will be a start to getting back to feeling like myself. I hope that everyone else has had a much better weekend. Oh. And I broke the light fixture in the bathroom when I towel snapped it trying to kill a fly. When it rains it pours, eh?

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