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Friday, May 9, 2014

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn? It's Dark In Here.

I cried at therapy yesterday.

First time that's happened. I never used to be much of a crier. Something pretty bad had to happen or be going on. I felt things on a deeper level, but crying just didn't come naturally to me.

That's very different now.

Some days are fine. My eyes stay dry and I feel like I have a good grasp on the things I need to work on. Then other days I feel like there is no energy anywhere in my body. I feel like I don't matter to anyone. I feel like a burden. I feel like the things that hurt me or make me sad are trivial in the eyes of the people I choose to share them with and I should just learn how to overcome things on my own.

I know that's not true. I know there are people who care a lot about me. But knowing and feeling are different.

Therapy seems to be helping. Talking about things with an impartial person who doesn't expect anything from me because she doesn't know me is nice. Last night's session opened up some painful memories that hurt to recount. I felt my throat closing up and I just about choked on the words coming out. It was like making myself feel emotions from events of the past that I thought I had healed from all over again. It gets worse before it gets better is what my therapist said. It's darkest before the dawn. Well, it's dark in here right now. My worst enemy lives in between my ears. The things I tell myself sometimes are horrible. My self esteem is pretty much non existent today. There are so many things in my head and all I really want to do is sleep and not deal with any of it. Losing my uncle so unexpectedly this week still stings. People close to me are busy. Too busy to take a second out of the day to remind me that they are there or that they care. It doesn't matter what I know. What matters to me is the way I feel and right now it's worthless. I know today is just a hard day. I know that they won't all be like this. But while the day is here and the feelings are heavy, it's hard. I'm trying to figure out why I am the way I am. So all of this old stuff that hasn't been brought up in a long time or ever is coming to the surface. Once it's out and I can sort it all out I know it will be better. I know I can get there. Even if some of the people in my life don't think I will, that doesn't matter. I know what I can do. I know what I'm capable of when I put my mind to it and give something all of my effort. This might be the most important thing I do in my life. It's not selfish to want to be well. And I have to focus on that. It has to be about me and no one else.

But the hard days are still hard. The heavy thoughts and worries are still heavy. People always talk to me like it's something I can just "snap out of". It doesn't work that way. I know that the people who genuinely love me will be here the whole way. The people who don't are doing me a favor if they leave my life. It's going to be hard. But it isn't impossible.

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